MS short story

The sunshine and soothing sound of music played by the band were transforming the fete into something I’ve dreamt up moths ago. This idyllic picture was completed by children’s’ laughter and the joyful barking of the dogs, not yet aware of the fact that they were to be presented in front of the audience.

 ‘Would they ever be?’- The thought came to my mind though I couldn’t quite dwell on it. It was too hot. Way too hot.

  ‘Would they want to compete in the categories such as ‘the best personality’ or, even worse, ‘the wiggliest tail’? Is it right for us, humans, to subject the animals to such degradation for our pleasure? Or maybe it’s not degradation after all? Perhaps the animals enjoy the fleeting moment of attention? Maybe the proud owners do not normally spend so much time with them?’ – I wondered but it was too difficult to focus on it. It was becoming difficult to focus on anything.

I could see a small crowd gathering around the excited animals. It was difficult to say whether the owners weren’t more excited than their pets. The dog show was clearly a good idea.  I applauded myself for coming up with it.

‘Wait, was it my idea? Why is everything so confusing? Why am I so tired?’ – the questions kept popping into my head making it even more difficult to focus on various people greeting me, congratulating me on organising this event.

‘Don’t they understand how difficult it is for me to be here? To be stuck in this wheelchair, barely being able to open my mouth?’- the angry voice in my head silenced all the cheerful thoughts I had. Suddenly the picture seemed less idyllic. It started to resemble a sad grotesque.

Here they were, strangers, coming to learn something about multiple sclerosis, the disease I’ve been suffering from for almost ten years now. They were proud of themselves.  Sacrificing their Sunday just to come and see ‘ill people’, show their mercy, spend some pennies on the coconut water or cookies. I could see pity in their eyes as they were approaching me to say: ‘ Wow, thank you for organising this. It’s amazing’.

‘But is it? What have I really accomplished?’- This question would have made me really upset had I not been so tired. It’s easy for them to laugh, run, enjoy the sunshine. Well, simply enjoy the life. My life, as I knew it, ended some years ago. No, that’s the wrong way to put it. It did not end abruptly like a candle being extinguished by a strong blow of the wind. It used to burn like a flame and then began withering and withering away until I was left like this. (‘withering and withering away’…just like my thoughts now. Why is it so hot?) Same body, still recognisable by my friends. Yet so different to what it used to look like. Still the same mind, yet so changed. Much less recognisable by me.

‘Who’s this person approaching me? I’ve seen him before’

Another handshake, another kiss on the cheek. Then they will all go back to their world, shutting the door tightly behind them. It’s not easy to be surrounded by the disabled people after all.  I used to be exactly like this. How do you approach someone with a disability? Show him pity?  He’ll recognise it. Just as I can feel it now.

The music changed. The joyful sounds of some old rock song filled the churchyard. I saw the smiles on people’s faces. I heard them talking passionately about MS.

Maybe I did accomplish something after all. Perhaps our worlds are intermingled and it’s me creating the division, shutting myself off from them. Maybe the children’s laughter and the smile of people surrounding me are worth it. Maybe my life can still resemble the flame rather than a hollow existence. Maybe that’s just how it should be. My lips twitched. I was smiling.